...Political Humor from our Visitors...

The Funny Truth Of It The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac ... sailing on the presidential yacht, the Sequoia.

They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying,"Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."

Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back across the water to the yacht and climbs aboard.He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning the topic of conversation among Democrats on the Hill, CBS News, NBC News, ABC News, the New York Times, Hollywood celebrities, and in France and Germany is "Bush Can't Swim."

Peg & Al

* * *

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. Need I say more.

* * *

All about Liberals and Conservatives

The division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood. Humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.

Later, some of the liberals actually became women. Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and meat that the conservatives provided. Women were not interested in democracy at that time because most of them were still women back then, and the conservatives fed them. Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and french food are on liberal menus. Their women have more testosterone than the men. Liberals like deviant sex and want others to like it too.

Their first successful city governments were Sodom and Gomorrah. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumber jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals do not produce anything. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.

The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative. A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I might locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been born yet".

Author Unknown (but respected)

 

"Character Doesn't Matter" Germans make fun of Clinton (photo from Fred)

Also visit: Amy's Jokes * Two Special Clinton Cartoons * An "E" Ticket to "LIBERAL LAND" * The Cartoon Index

For humorous Clinton-bashing, check out "The Weekly Politickle" at http://www.halcyon.com/cbutton/politics.htm

* * *

A man is standing on the corner, when suddenly a bus hits and kills him. He finds himself on line at the Pearly Gates waiting to speak to Saint Peter. As he is standing in line he notices millions of clocks around him. When he gets up to St. Peter, he asks: "What are all of these clocks for?" St. Peter looks up and says:"Why, these clocks tell us how many lies each person is telling, and keeps track of them so that we will know if we can accept them into the Kingdom of Heaven."

Interested, the man asks about the wierd "fan" running behind St. Peter. Saint Peter looks at the "fan" and remarks, "Why, thats no fan, the AC went on the fritz this morning and we just figured we could use the Bill Clinton lie clock to cool us off."

* * *

The day was Nov. 6, 1996, and Clinton had just won re-election and was flying back to D.C. When his plane landed, he got off Air Force 1 carrying two pigs. He apprached a soldier and the soldier respectfully saluted him and said "NICE PIGS SIR" but Clinton said "THESE AREN'T PIGS, THESE ARE GENUINE ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS, I GOT THEM FOR HILLARY AND CHELSEA" and the soldier promptly replied "NICE TRADE SIR"

Did you hear that the white house is getting a new room added onto it in honor of Pres. Clinton? It will be a 7x12 cell block with pet rats!!!

DO you know the real reason why Clinton tore up his knee? Al Gore was trying to teach him the MACARENA.

Jeff

* * *

Subj: Clinton

Dear Friend:

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame in Washington, D.C. This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was not wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been and did it all on borrowed money.

Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land." Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land."

Now, Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovel, kick your asses, raise the price of camels and mortgage the promised land. If you are one of the fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.

Fraternally,

BILL CLINTON STATUE COMMITTEE

P.S. It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the democratic party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while being screwed.

* * *

Question: What do you get when you cross a dishonest politician with a crooked lawyer??

Answer: Chelsea.

Lindad

* * * * *

Liberals are like seagulls: all they do is squawk, eat crap and are protected by the government.

B52GUNS

* * * * *

If Noah built the Ark today ...

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole Earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every kind of living things on the planet. I am ordering you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning He delivered the plans and specifications for the Ark.

"Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." ... and six months passed

The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his front yard, weeping. There was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord. "Where is the Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were too many problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark's construction, and your plans did not meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating the zoning setback by building the Ark in the front yard, so I had to get a variance from the Zoning Board of Adjustment. Then I had a problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save spotted owls. I finally got permission to cut the trees, but I was denied permission to take two of the owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a hammer or saw. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat ... but no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. The objected to my taking only two of each kind. Just when I got that suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an Environmental Impact Statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded that I file a Map Amendment depicting the expanded flood plain; I sent them a globe. Right now, I am still trying to resolve a complaint over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire based on Affirmative Action goals, and the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. I don't think I'll be able to finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the Earth?" he asked, hopefully.

"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being the Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something that man invented himself."

"What is that?" asked Noah.

There was a long pause, then the Lord spoke His Last Word: "Government."

Ed

* * * * *

Hello all. I just ran across the funniest thing, read on !!

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says, "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing good is going to happen tonight so he might as well deal with it.

The next day the husband takes his wife shopping at a big department store. He has her try on three very expensive outfits. He then tells her to take all three of em'. They then go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each.

Then they go to the Jewelry Dept. She picks out a set of diamond ear rings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "you don't even play tennis, but if you like it, lets get it."

The wife is jumping up and down. She is so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. Then she says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." Then the husband says, " no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." After noticing her anger, he then explains to his wife, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

* * *

Maggie, I loved the Reindeer Terminated Message. In return, I can't resist forwarding this to you all (I didn't write it & I disavow all knowledge...):

The Top 16 Changes at the White House Now That the Clintons have a Puppy

16. To avoid confusion, staff reverts back to referring to Madelaine Albright by name.

15. New "doggy door" makes it that much easier to sneak out at midnight run to McDonald's.

14. At long last, Bill won't have to flinch *every* time he hears "Bad boy."

13. President no longer the only one accused of burying his bone in someone else's yard.

12. "Bitch" label now somewhat ambiguous.

11. Accusations of crotch-sniffing at the White House no longer automatically implicate the President.

10. New, unwelcome presents under the Christmas tree.

9. Obviously miffed Socks slips Kenneth Starr a note reading "Bil kilt Vyns Fosdr!"

8. Shouts of "Come!" from Lincoln bedroom no longer make Hillary suspicious.

7. Chelsea drops to #2 on the White House Pug-Ugly List.

6. Pipe and slipper retrieval removed from Al Gore's daily to-do list.

5. Roger Clinton no longer the only one to piddle in the Rose Garden.

4. Cries of "What a dog!" no longer make Janet Reno burst into tears at State dinners.

3. To the embarrassment of the trainers, dog still unable to tell Al Gore from a tree.

2. "Get that horny furball off my leg!" no longer refers exclusively to the President.

and the Number 1 Change at the White House Now That the Clintons have a Puppy...

1. Campaign donors staying overnight in the Lincoln Bedroom now find complimentary Tootsie Rolls on their pillows.

Carolyn

* * *

The Real Elian Photo (special thanks go to Ken)

* * *

POLITICALLY CORRECT SANTA

by (c)Harvey Ehrlich, 1992

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...

How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves", "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,

Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.

His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

(c)Harvey Ehrlich, 1992

Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc should be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu.

Happy Holidays!

* * *

SUBJECT: MEMO from SANTA

TO: ALL Employees

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business.

Home shopping channels and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press. I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.

Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.

Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary.

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors.

Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity.

Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will >>be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") - action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Questions should be directed to me.

(Signed) S. Claus

* * *

Democratic Puppies, I am not sure you have seen this. I love it!

One day while Bill Clinton was doing his morning jogging he noticed a little boy standing outside the White House gates. As curiosity got the best of him, Bill jogged over to the gates to see what the little boy was doing.

As he approached the gates Bill was taken by surprise when he noticed a sign saying "Democratic Dogs Foe Sale". Bill asked the boy about the dogs he was trying to sell. "What's up son?" Bill asked. To which the little boy replied. "I'm selling Democratic Puppies. Would you like to buy one Mr. President?' he answered.

"No, Thank you young man. I just got a new dog. But thanks anyway. And good luck" said the President. And he jogged away.

Thinking about how cute the puppies had been, Bill went to Hillary and told her about the Democratic Puppies. They both laughed about how sweet it was that the little boy was trying to sell his puppies.

The next morning Clinton noticed the same little boy at the gate with the same little puppies. This day, however the sign read, "Republican Puppies For Sale".

Bill inquired about the sign stating, "Young man, yesterday when I was here you had a sign stating that these were Democratic Puppies for sale. Now today you call the same puppies Republican Puppies. What's the deal?"

To which the boy replied, "Yes sir, Mr. President, but today they all have their eyes open."

* * *

As a matter of National Security...

Clinton, Newt, and Gore are all airing their differences as they were riding down the road when a big tornado picks them up and takes them thousands of yards up in the air. BOOM! They land in The Land of Oz!=

Gore gets out and looks out at the trees and says, "I want Oz to give me a brain." Newt says, "I want Oz to give me a heart." Clinton jumps out and says, "Where's Dorthy?"

* * *

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.

"What is it", yells the President?

"It's this abortion bill, Mr. President." "What do you want to do about it" the aide asks?

"Just go ahead and pay it" responds the President.

* * *

Hey baby, want to see my Executive Branch?

How many women does it take to satisfy Clinton? It Takes a Village.

 

Nick

* * *

 

The Clinton White House has a proud tradition of New Math. Remember the FBI files grew from ONLY 50 to OVER 900. Now take Monica's 37 White House visits... will that top 10,000?

Tom

* * *

Clinton and The Pope were on the same flight and the plane crashed, killing both of them. Clinton was accidentally sent to heaven and The Pope was sent to hell. God realized the mistake 20 minutes later and transferred Bill to hell and The Pope to heaven. As they were crossing over they passed one another and The Pope said, "I'm sure glad they recognized the error, I was looking forward to meeting The Virgin Mary." Bill replied, while looking at his watch, "You just missed her about 15 minutes ago."

Tony and Cheryl (Gainesville, FL)

* * *

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

* * *

 

Dr. Zeuss Joke:

 

Starr:

I'm here to ask as you'll soon see...

Did you grope Miss Lewinsky?

Did you grope her in your house?

Did you grope beneath her blouse?

 

Clinton:

I did not do that here or there...

I did not do that anywhere!

I did not do that near or far...

I did not do that Starr you are!

 

Starr:

Did you smile? Did you flirt? Did you

peek beneath her skirt?

And did you tell the girl to lie

when called upon to testify?

 

Clinton:

I do not like you Starr you are...

I think that you have gone too far!

I will not answer any more...

Perhaps I will go start a war!

The public's easy to distract...

when bombs are falling on Iraq!

 

(Yuck yuck),

Gary & Phylis

* * *

Did you hear that United States students scored the lowest in the world in math?

Clinton's happy about it....he was hoping they wouldn't be able to put 2 and 2 together.

* * *

An old poem on Democrats

My grandfather, a devote Republican, had this among his life-long possessions. I'd guess it originated in the 30's. I thought you'd enjoy it.

'Or maybe we should spell that word "owed". Anyway, at the end of a session of Congress, Rep. Clarence J. Brown (R. Ohio) jammed this poem into the Congressional Record. Said it was written by a promineent Georgia Democrat.'

ODE TO THE WELFARE STATE

Father, must I go the work?

No, my lucky son

We're living now on Easy Street

On dough from Washington.

 

We've left it up to Uncle Sam

So don't get exercised

Nobody has to give a damn

We've all been subsidized.

 

But if Sam treats us all so well

And feeds us milk and honey

Please, daddy, tell me what the hell

He's going to use for money

 

Don't worry, Bub, there's not a hitch

In this here noble plan

He simply soaks the filty rich

And helps the common man.

 

But, father, won't there come a time

When they run out of cash

And we have left them not a dime,

When things will go to smash?

 

My faith is shrinking in you son

You nosey little brat;

You do too damn much thinking, son,

To be a Democrat.

 

Hope this brings a chuckle.

Lois

* * *

Pop Quiz (Answers at the bottom Hey - NO Cheating)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.

2) Ecuador.

3) From sheep and horses.

4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.

5) Squirrel fur.

6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.

7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.

8) Distinctively crimson.

9) New Zealand.

10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

 

* * *

Clinton Joke (Or Is It?)

Question: Why is Hillary standing behind her man?

Answer: Because there's no room in front!

* * *

SOMETHING TO LAUGH ABOUT

By Dave Johnson, Olympic Region IT Coordinator

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

In Addition:

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this, too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive; but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

* * *

TEN TOP THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE, BUT AREN'T:

10. I need to whip it out by 5,

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Put it in my box before you leave

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!

5. HMMMMMMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid

4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish

3. It's an entry level position

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today? and number 1 (drum roll, please)

1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.

* * * *

Here is a list of what most Libertarians worry about each day:

1) If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, do you call a crisis counselor?

2) Are you supposed to wear a helmet when driving a SUV?

3) What do you do when an endangered animal is eating an endangered plant?

4) Will making ice cubes help prevent global warming?

5) Should you drive an electric car if the electricity comes from a polluting power plant?

6) Does Diversity extend to Ethnic food?

7) When you stub your toe, whose fault is it?

8) How can you recycle cigarette butts?

9) What if you are dying and the medicine you must take was tested on animals?

10) How do you play Yahtzee without keeping score?

11) If my husband dresses as a woman, will he get a better job?

12) What do you do with a rifle that has the image of the Virgin Mary in the stock?

13) How do I eat and pay my mortgage without actually working?

14) Who will raise my children?

15) Who can I blame or destroy if I am caught?

Smith

* * *

"LITTLE WILLY" GAME

PRESS RELEASE

APRIL 1, 1998: BLACK ROOK GAME SITE DEBUTS WITH "LITTLE WILLY" GAME.

Just in time for April Fool's Day, Black Rook debuts with its infamous internet game, "Little Willy." In "Little Willy" players control a little Bill Clinton icon as he maneuvers around a Pac-Man style maze (a replica of the West Wing of the White House), trying to catch Monica Lewinsky and other interns.

But "Willy" has to be careful, because Ken Starr and his team of Special Prosecutors are also roaming about, and if Willy gets caught, he loses a life and is sent back to the Oval Office. If Willy loses all his lives, he is impeached and the game is over. If Willy can survive 8 years, he goes down in history as a great President.

The game is published by Black Rook, a start up company of java programmers and game designers. Thomas Larmore, a partner in the company, and one of the creators of the game, says he thought of the idea after seeing a map of the West Wing in Time Magazine. "I thought it looked a lot like the maze in Pac Man," says Larmore, "and after that the wheels started turning in my head."

The game was put together in less than a month, programmed mostly by Geoff Pilling, one of Black Rook's programmers. "We told Geoff the basic parameters of the game and he just programmed like a mad man," says Larmore. "We wanted it out fast while the Monica scandal was still timely."

Larmore assures parents that the game is "kidsafe" despite the fact that it satirizes a scandal that children may not understand. For example, when "Willy" catches the interns, the only thing that happens is that a heart beats and there is a kissing noise. "Little Willy is aimed at adults," says Larmore, "but kids can play it too, and they'll just understand it at a different level."

"Little Willy" can be found at http://www.blackrook.com, a game site which also features a book store and a "cafe". Black Rook plans to add more games and features to the site as they are implemented.

P.S. All inquiries can be addressed to Tom Larmore at Black Rook, P.O. Box 6303 Garden Grove, CA 92846, email: tom@blackrook.com or call/fax Black Rook at 714-903-8182.

A banner is attached. Please use it to create a link from your page to http://www.blackrook.com. Thank you.

* * *

The favorite dish at the White House is the Hillary Clinton Chicken Dinner. It consists of two small breasts, two big thighs, and fifteen left wings. Bon Appetit.

* * *

I actually heard this joke on Paul Harvey's news and comment several months ago...

Of 100 women in the Washington D.C. area who were polled, "Would you have sex with the President?" Eighty-two percent of them replied, "Not Again!"

SuperFrog

* * *

Q: Do you know what Bill says to Hillary after he's done having sex???

A: Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes

Keep up the good work.

Mark Seattle, WA

* * *

 

A Funny Joke- Public Papers of the Presidents

October 17, 1997

Proclamation 7043 -- National Character Counts Week, 1997

By the President of the United States of America

A Proclamation

The roots of America's greatness are embedded in the character of its citizens. From our Founders' passion for justice and equality to the social consciousness and humanitarian spirit of today's citizens, the character of our people has inspired the world. Undeniably, character does count for our citizens, our communities, and our Nation, and this week we celebrate the importance of character in our individual lives and in the life of our country.

Instilling sound character in our children is essential to maintaining the strength of our Nation into the 21st century. The core ethical values of trustworthiness, fairness, responsibility, caring, respect, and citizenship form the foundation of our democracy, our economy, and our society. These qualities are not innate but learned, and we must ensure that we nurture them -- both through our words and our example -- in our Nation's young people.

More than any other institution, the family is the cradle of character, giving children their first crucial lessons in attitude and behavior. In today's complex society, where children are subject to pressures and negative influences rarely experienced by earlier generations, parents face great challenges as they strive to impart to their children the values that will help them become caring and responsible members of society.

My Administration has worked hard to give parents new tools to help them fulfill their important responsibilities. We worked to require V-chips on all new televisions to give parents greater control over what their children watch; we collaborated with the television industry to encourage the airing of more educational programming for children; and we negotiated a breakthrough agreement with the entertainment and broadcast industries to create a voluntary ratings system that will help parents identify programs containing material inappropriate for children. Our proposed funding for the Anti-Gang and Youth Violence Strategy will provide for after-school initiatives in communities across the country to help keep young people occupied in wholesome activities, off the streets, and out of trouble while their parents are at work.

Schools also have an important role in educating our young people about the difference between right and wrong. My Administration has recognized this by creating partnerships with the States to help our schools do a better job of teaching character to America's students. Our push for rigorous standards and our promise to open the doors of college to all students who work hard let students know that good character really does count and will be rewarded with expanded opportunity. We also should encourage and commend the schools across our country that have begun to incorporate volunteer service as a curriculum requirement, teaching students the important life lessons of sharing, compassion, and civic responsibility.

Developing strong values in America's children requires the participation of all our people. As we observe this special week, I ask that all Americans demonstrate in their personal and public lives, and teach actively to our country's children, the high ethical standards that are essential to good character and to the continued success of our Nation.

Now, Therefore, I, William J. Clinton, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim October 19 through October 25, 1997, as National Character Counts Week. I call upon the people of the United States, government officials, educators, religious, community, and business leaders, and the States to commemorate this week with appropriate ceremonies, activities, and programs.

In Witness Whereof, I have hereunto set my hand this seventeenth day of October, in the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and ninety-seven, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and twenty-second.

William J. Clinton

V/R

Suzy

* * *

Attention: joke below

I am amazed at the support Clinton has. MSNBC has an opinion board that I visit often. There are as many CLinton supporters as there are Clinton bashers. This has to be one of the most perplexing issues that we will see this century Save OJ Simpson. This man has lied and cheated on his wife, withheld documents, and mislead the entire Country for eight months! Unprecented stuff, yet his poll numbers are astonshingly high! How can this be? The media has more to do with it than you'd think. Reverse psycology is whats going on here and its as covert and slick as willy is. The success of this campaign is because its so subtle that it doesn't appear to be a consorted effort. Americans are either plain stupid or they are being fooled into a mind set that we don't recogonize. Americans, by our very nature always seem to be for the underdog.

And somehow Bill Clinton has become just that! Despite the fact that he lied and has lied for many years he has sucessfully disassociated himself from the stigma of how we normally react to liars. hell none of like to be lied to and tricked. Yet willy does it and his approval ratings rise!!! Abortion has a lot to do with it too! Bill Clintons legacy could be the "Abortion President" he has a lot of support from even conservatives that embrace abortion, you see it on the BBS at MSNBC. Conservatives do not have the catchy phrases that liberals do. Such as "a woman has a right to do with her own body as she pleases and " don't you be my judge" and so on. I'm pissed off at America and I am Pissed off at Republicans because the message has not been made clear. Citizens are not listening to us and we may well lose our majority in Congress because of it. You have done your part however, and thank you for your effort. BUt boy it's frustrating!!! HAlloween Joke time.

There was a Knock at the door and the man heard "Bicker beat" The man said to the little boy you mean Trick or Treat don't you and the boy said "yeah" The man asked the little boy what he was and the boy replied" A Birate" The man said you mean pirate don't you and the boy said "yeah" The man then asked where are your buccaners? "Under my bucking hat"! HA ha happy halloween!

your friend Tony

* * *

How Babies Are Formed---

>All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts.

This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside.

Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some me only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Republicans." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Democrats." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as..... "Mr. President."

Dianne

* * *

Gold Star Question: If a man speaks in the forest, and there's not a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Maria

* * *

 

PRESIDENT CLINTON'S TESTIMONY BY DR. SUESS

I DID NOT DO IT IN A CAR, I DID NOT DO IT IN A BAR

I DID NOT DO IT IN THE DARK,I DID NOT DO IT IN THE PARK

I DID NOT DO IT ON A DATE, I DID NOT EVER FORNICATE

I DID NOT DO IT AT A DANCE, I DID NOT DO IT IN HER PANTS

I DID NOT GET BEYOND FIRST BASE,I DID NOT DO IT IN HER FACE

I NEVER DID IT IN A BED, IF YOU THINK THAT, YOU'VE BEEN MISLED

I DID NOT DO IT WITH A GROAN, I DID NOT DO IT ON THE PHONE

I DID NOT DO IT WITH A WHIP, I NEVER FONDLED LINDA TRIPP

I NEVER ACTED REALLY SILLY, WITH VOLUNTEERS LIKE KATHLEEN WILLEY

THERE WAS ONE TIME, WITH MARGARET THATCHER, I CHASED HER 'ROUND, BUT COULD NOT CATCH HER

NO KINKY STUFF, NOT ON YOUR LIFE, I WOULDN'T EVEN WITH MY WIFE

AND GENNIFER FLOWERS' TALE OF WOES, WAS PAID FOR BY MY RIGHT-WING FOES

AND PAULA JONES, AND THOSE STATE TROOPERS, ARE JUST A BUNCH OF PARTY POOPERS

I DID NOT ASK MY FRIENDS TO LIE, I DID NOT HANG THEM OUT TO DRY

I DID NOT DO IT LAST NOVEMBER, BUT IF I DID, I DON'T REMEMBER

I DID NOT DO IT IN THE HALL, I COULD HAVE, BUT I DON'T RECALL

I NEVER DID IT IN A HURRY, I NEVER GROPED MS. BETTY CURRIE

THERE WAS NO SEX AT ARLINGTON, THERE WAS NO SEX ON AIR FORCE ONE

I MIGHT HAVE COPPED A LITTLE FEEL, AND THEN ENDEAVORED TO CONCEAL

BUT NEVER DID THESE THINGS SO LEWD, AT LEAST, NOT EVER IN THE NUDE

THESE THINGS TO WHICH I HAVE CONFESSED, THEY DO NOT COUNT, IF WE STAYED DRESSED

IT NEVER HAPPENED WITH CIGAR, I NEVER DATED MRS. STARR

I DID NOT KNOW THIS LITTLE SIN, WOULD BE RETOLD ON CNN

I BROKE SOME RULES MY MAMA TAUGHT ME, I TRIED TO HIDE, BUT NOW YOU'VE CAUGHT ME

BUT I IMPLORE, I DO BESEECH, DO NOT CONDEMN, DO NOT IMPEACH

I MIGHT HAVE GOT A LITTLE TAIL, BUT NEVER, NEVER DID INHALE

Jim

* * *

A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The President just found out he was impeached and he's all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

Thanks,

Ken

* * *

Lunch

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, "Are you ready to order?"

Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."

"A quickie?!?" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu."

She walks away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's pronounced Quiche."

* * *

These are answering machine announcements: (Kinda Cute!)

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your
name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're
finished.
----------------------
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not
here. So leave a message.
----------------------
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my
financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my
friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty
of money.
----------------------
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to
it instead. Wait for the beep.
----------------------
Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
----------------------
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of
these magnets.
------------------------
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with
her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, If you want
anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
------------------------
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are
clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their
picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and
they will get back to you.
-------------------------
This is not a answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for
calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning
your call.
--------------------------
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me
a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
--------------------------
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a
message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
--------------------------
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right
now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably
aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.
---------------------------
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy
now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to
resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number and a message.
---------------------------
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
---------------------------
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now,
because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and
down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a
message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

* * *

REVISIONIST VERSION OF NOAH AND THE ARK....

IF NOAH LIVED IN THE UNITED STATES, TODAY.........

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going tomake it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bringeverything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah", He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me! cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard.

The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."

Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional.

Lord, forgive me, but I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years!"

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean You are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

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